Time to put something right, I think. Apologies if this is something you already know..it’s lengthy, but important to me, and important that I tell you. For someone outwardly brave and honest, it’s hard to say. So here goes.
Prior to my present life, I spent a long time being drunk. Far too long. I knew it was bad for me, but I kept doing it, right up until it got to the point when it wasn’t doing me any good whatsoever, nor anyone around me, but nonetheless I kept on being drunk, as I lived in the belief that all drunk people share: the belief that being drunk will ultimately – somehow – just come good. The wasted money, health, relationships, opportunities, talent – they’ll just, somehow, sort themselves out. Meanwhile, I’ll have another.
Eventually, even to the most able self-deluder (I proudly count myself in that category), it becomes glaringly obvious that it really can’t go on. The demon rum is a fantastic self-publicist: it causes endless problems, but then, briiliantly, advertises itself as the solution to all the issues it has caused. It creates its own demand. And to a certain sort of arrogant/gullible – see my passim odes to late-night teleshopping – it’s an irresistible sell. What you are not, it will insist, is an alcoholic. So you believe you are not. Lord no, you’re an honoured client.
On an entirely conscious level, I know that I really, really shouldn’t drink. It’s not good for me, as indeed it isn’t for any alcoholic. And in my defence, if I don’t start, I’m very good at not continuing. What I’m terrible at is not starting, given the slightest hint or provocation. Many of you have seen me have one, or maybe two, but mostly none – and this last is the best option by a country mile. Sure, I can, actually, have just the one or two, but psychologically the rest of my evening will be at least 50% an angel/devil battle with myself about having just one more..and then another.. any enjoyment of the evening will be – for me – kicked into the long grass as I struggle to keep my sense of sobriety pointing approximately North. Many people think that one or two won’t hurt: and of course it won’t hurt them. But me – yes, it can, and it will hurt me, if I let it. I already spend much of my waking life holding my attention-deficient chimp on a tight leash, and dealing with a sleep issue, both of which will always be with me. They’re both a part of me that I cannot exorcise – but my not-even-incipient-anymore alcoholism? That is entirely in my remit. It’s in my power to say no: equally it’s my duty to tell the people that I know and care about that I just can’t drink.
For that very reason I’m not blaming anyone for the various slips I’ve had over the years (and I’ve been 98% sober for years now) – the fault’s entirely mine for not saying that I can’t drink, and that I can’t drink because I have alcoholism. Most of you have – probably – already guessed that, and some of you already know, some I’ve all but told: but it’s better I get it all out there, plain and unequoivocal. There are of course degrees of it, and mine has thankfully fallen short of all-out, detox, turps-swigging dependency, but it easily progresses, and I don’t want to progress, so better I just don’t go there. Think of it this way: there’s a maxim that everyone has a set number of heartbeats for their lifetime: well, let’s say that everyone has a set amount of booze that they can drink in a lifetime, too. Let’s then say I’ve had all of my allocation.
All of that said, what I don’t, and will never do is resent others enjoying their own fair share. Live and let live. Now, before you know it, it’ll be once again the end of some sort of year or one of the multitude of celebrations to which we are invited; and there will be get-togethers, and shindigs, and fun and frolics and fol-de-rol, and I’ll be there for the lot, and I’ll be me as I always am, and I won’t care how razzed anyone else gets: I never have cared thus far, have I?
No. As before, I won’t haunt and freeze the proceedings like Marley’s ghost, puritanically rattling chains – no, I’m still me, and still there for the craic, and want everyone to have a good time in whatever way they see fit. So now, if you were unaware before, you know, and mine’s a lime and soda, always. Slàinte.
theoneandonlystuneville 