Star-led Chieftains

“So… how do we get back, then?” asked Melchior.
“Hmmm?” said Caspar.
“How do we get back?”
“What do you mean?” asked Balthazar.
“I mean,” elaborated Melchior “..think how we got here. We began our journey months ago, and travelled many miles, and got to this exact stable, in the cart-park of the Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza Bethlehem, because…..?”
“We followed the star of wonder, the star of light..” said Balthazar.
“..the star of royal beauty bright.” added Caspar.
“Exactly! And it was Westward-leading. Until it stopped. Which, incidentally, snookers your theory about it being a comet, Ron.”

Ron, the Kings’ physick, looked crestfallen.

“Anyway,” continued Melchior “..that’s how we got here. Now – how in the name of Mary’s boy-child are we getting back? Is there an Eastward-leading star? At least some indication of where to go?”
“But we of Orient are..” said Balthazar, ungrammatically “..surely we just have to head East?”

Melchior looked at him for a moment or two, silently.

“Have you any idea how big the East is, Balthazar?” he asked. “It’s bloody huuuuge. What do you suggest, just clip-clop – or whatever noise it is the camels make – across the desert and keep going til we hit the Great Wall of China? Or do we turn right at the Euphrates and then ask?”
“Maybe we should wait til after the Bank Holiday and see if there’s a tourist information office?” suggested Caspar.
“And where shall we stay in the meantime? All the hotels are full, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“I think we passed a Premier Inn on the Nazareth Bypass.” said Ron.

So they headed North, towards Nazareth, but owing to a language mix up (and Balthazar refusing to ask for directions) after 6 months they ended up in Cologne, which they  actually found more agreeable than Samarkhand, what with its more efficient public transport, oompah music, clean streets and lack of brigands, so they founded a Gothic cathedral, grew old and died, and there they remain in their golden casket to this day.

The three queens of Orient were, meanwhile, gave up on them coming back and ruled Persia as a joint, pro-feminist collective, and peace did rein there too.

Amen. And Awomen.