Neville’s Illustrated issue #1: Careful What You Wish For

I’m a magnet for Wish adverts. Despite never, ever having bought anything from them,  the Chinese juggernaut of questionable online purchases seems to have made it a mission to entice me with their wares. We all know they stalk you online relentlessly, noting your every search, every post, every idle musing, and piece together a bespoke package of goodies you will find irresistible. And they are, but not always for the reason they think.

Of course, the main problem with Wish is that their wares tend to be hawked by means of a single, usually non-explanatory picture and absolutely no description of purpose, along with a somewhat inconsistent pricing policy, helpfully rendered in varying currencies from photo to photo.

I received the below in one, bumper slideshow ad on Facebook this evening. What their profiling algorithm must have made of me to deserve all of this, I shudder to think.

First of all, there’s this:

Lovely, isn’t it? A vase wrapped in surgical gauze maybe, or a reel of very gentle barbed wire for guinea pigs. It’s £52 though, so must do something brilliant (or miraculous, or a bit rude.)

And now these. They’re semi-translucent, which may or may not give some hint of what the hell they’re supposed to do. Handily, they come in two sizes, which don’t appear all that much different (not enough to justify a “medium”, at least.) Large is about four inches long, which is a discussion for another day.

Keep your comments to yourself.

Now, we start getting weirder. Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m getting older, or maybe innocence is returning to my mind, but I honestly, genuinely, at first glance thought that this was something to do with Batman.

I mean, it still could be something to do with Batman. The whole thing keeps you guessing, though, so maybe it’s to do with the Riddler?

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I? Let’s stop thinking about it. Let’s instead think about this:

A wallet that’s apparently on fire. Does it stay on fire? Do you get it on fire through the post? How is it fuelled? For six quid I’m tempted to find out (in fairness, according to family legend, if my Great Uncle Jack opened his wallet both it and he would be engulfed in flame. I must admit, threat of spontaneous human combustion is an attractive excuse for stinginess.) Hither and onward…

Are those… I mean, could they really be… it’s not just me, is it? Are they.. real teeth? What the….? Back to relative sanity. Oh look! It’s a perfectly useful and normal..

..two blocks of wood. No idea of scale, they could be the size of railway sleepers or two Jenga blocks for all we know. No indication of purpose, either. However, note the price: eight dollars. Perhaps they’re not for sale to the UK market, given our famously stringent blocks-of-timber-control legislation. There’s a lot of wood on Wish. They’re always trying to give us wood.

I told you to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Ah, now, I have a theory about this next one:

Aside from the question of “why?” – that’s taken as read with Wish – I think it may be a misunderstanding. I think they were tasked with coming up with a cheap tricycle. Instead, they made a miniature sickle for the triceps – a tricep-sickle. See what I did there?

Please yourselves.

And then, finally, there’s this:

 

Are they even real (I’m not pursuing that thought…) What are you trying to sell me?  ? Home furnishings? Is it the shoes? Is that $1.75 each or is that for the whole Bonsai version of the backing group from Addicted To Love?

Will I ever buy anything from Wish? Probably not. Will I look at the ads?

Oh yes.